I am not dead but I am very sorry!
Not permanently. I am popping in because I really need to reassure people I am not disapearing forever.
Exuses: I have been away for a while mostly because I just withdrew into myself. I had a lot of deadlines on the horoizon, a lot of work that wasn't able to launch until mid decemeber, before which I had the holidays to tunnel through, which was also difficult for me and my anxiety, spending time with my family is enjoyable but also a daunting task at times, epecially when food is involved.
I planned to make a journal new years day and be a lot more chipper, but uni started again and that has been no picnic. Illness for me and my flatmate/partner, my anxiety has been high and I have new medication which is making my habits change.
I am very sorry for just ducking out and not talking, sincerely, I should not have done that and at least left people with a little note of hiatus rather than a scary journal about trauma (bad connotations lol I am alive I promise.) I am also sorry for not living up to responsibilities I had given myself on various groups, and overestimating my abilities in the first place.
I wouldn't be back unless I had a solution to deal with the fact I am not that I am not a social butterfly.
No more comment for comment, because I just cannot manage it. ;-;
I am gonna stop replying to comments on my deviations and thank you note posting, which sucks I know, I will always thank people (perhaps with copy/paste things and plz acounts) but I shan't start a conversation unless it is a indepth critique. I won't stop talking to people in general, that would be silly, I will mostly initiate things on deviations and journals etc but I will stop tasking myself to give 10-50 comments a week like I was doing before. However, if you want to chill with me extensively, dA is not the best place. Join me on tumblr or maybe skype, I am much better at comunicating there.
I don't mean to sound like I am a big horrible monster who hates talking and communication is this big labourious thing for me, but it does make me very, very tired due to poor health and medication to treat that. Energy is a precious resource for me and I would rather explain my geeral abilities than let comments sit in my inbox for ten, twenty days before they are answered sufficiently.
I am not ready to jump back into things again properly, I have a few deadlines to finish before I'll be back and properly talking but for now have a journal and an apology. See you soon.
Trauma.
So in the space of two years all four of my grandparents died, one of which died in my own house in the room next to me, suffering horribly for a year whilst also bearing a deep resemblance to my own face. I also was in a terrible friendship group full of stupid unhealthy habits and drama for many years, whilst also being in an emotionally abusive relationship. I went to live with some people who I regarded as friends who were openly threatening, violent, volatile and loud - who made it clear they could be pushed to violence. And I recently received a letter from an ex long-term friend who proclaimed that they’d hated me for years and I went through the long petty process of untangling myself from them and their friends.
Now I am finally in a safe space and generally stable, I still find it hard to eat, sleep, approach people socially and have outbursts of emotion in public alone unprovoked (aka I started crying in the street today because I couldn’t afford street food and I was sad about my grandma who died a year or so ago). As a person who had a large and healthy libido I have completely lost it, I jump at loud noises and my mind is never too far away from the situations I went through when I am not occupied. I’ve experienced flashbacks with triggers and strong episodes of disassociation under great stress.
I think its fair to say I’ve been traumatised.</sub>
Its important for me to say that because I’ll often get frustrated because my anxiety should be mopped up by now and that coping techniques for people without these experiences often don’t work for me.
I have been traumatised, I went through a lot of shit, and I have been damaged emotionally. And that’s okay.
Its okay to be sad about my grandma a year after it happened, its okay to resent the person who sent me a grand letter of hatred and resentment, its okay to not sure how to feel about the emotional abuse, its okay to not be sure how small things like my ex friend’s abusive relationship and my shouty dad factor into things. Its understandable that I think about suicide a lot, less nowadays, but a lot.</sub>
Its okay to not be okay.
I am sorry I haven’t been on much these days and I am sorry if I am ratty, or sad or silent. I will be getting caught up with group responsibilities very soon, I promise. Communicating is very hard.
Kindle update - I am writing one about Buddleia, I see a lot of them in the industrial district and their greyish leaves and droopy heads match the sodden weather very well.
Productivity.
I wrote two english style sonnets in the space of seven hours (that will be submitted some time later this year - sorry guys, I don't want to accidentally get caught for plagiarising... myself...? Uni is strange.) And picked up the new, vague skill of pixeling.
This makes me feel over the moon with productivity, and yet on days when I mop, sweep, do all the dishes, brighten and tidy the living room, dust the sills and ledges, shake out the rugs, take the bins out - I feel a nagging sensation of needing to do more.
And yet, I haven't done much of a scrap of the reading for my indian/chinese philosophy course... hrrrmmpph (I do hate philosophy ughh.)
Uni is going well - emotionally, its tough, but I am surviving and learning.
Winter is practically here and it is my favourite time of year <3
The slow close of the year, the blanket smotheringly dark nights, mulled spice and bright lights!!
The christmas market is very soon!~
Maybe it will snow this year!!!
Though it does mean my partner is a little wearier, along with a lot of my friends with SAD. Its hard to feel raring to go when its such cosy weather, or in many people's cases, such miserable weather.
Everybody on dA seems a bit sniffly or weary about the season, but I hope it improves as year concludes. The news has been especially awful these last few days, my heart goes out to all the Parisians these last few days.
I am taking time to balance relaxing and working, despite my lust for early christmas shopping. Which strangely often mixes with me...
My levels of relaxing are as such - "chilling disguised as working", "outright chilling" and "I'm probably going to nap in the next twenty minutes."
Stealthy chilling is usually glancing over at my books doefully or taking my books near me as if I intend to do reading, but in reality I have a million tabs open with articles, youtube videos, blog posts, discussions, wiki-bingeing about other things or maybe close to the subject I'm supposed to be studying and I am just making to-do lists on the side.
Outright chilling is exactly the same, minus all the fuss with the books and guilting myself, throwing in a few things like flightrising, deviantart and tumblr.
But imminent napping involves me on my side in bed, head on pillow, staring at review videos. Its weird that I relax to debate and discussion about media, but that's how it goes with me...
Kindle update - 2/20ish poems down...
The progress is slow because I am seeking mitigating allowances that give me the chance to send all my deadlines back to August of next year, which is brilliant. So I am doing everything else and keeping afloat, but no one can rush me on publishing my first book, even if my goal is to publish it within next year.
I have been looking over he natural history of my area pretty thoroughly and I am learning some new things each page I turn, so its looking to be an easy run as most of it I know or I am grasping easily!
All in all, I am coping. I am cheerful and well, I hope I can spread some joy to fellow deviants this foggy time of year x
Kindle Update -
Exciting news! Whilst I am still exhausted out of my shoddy, achey body, I am also very excited. I am on the verge of getting the green-light for having my creative writing project for this year be a collection of poetry written up and published on kindle!
Its going to be centred on my experience growing up on the beautiful, wildlife-rich somerset levels focusing on the wildflowers, weeds and trees I explored and was taught about. The greenery around me often acted as a quiet, steady backdrop to the emotions I was having and the struggles I went through physically, mentally and spiritually.
I don't know how many of you are interested, but it would be published sometime in late 2016 on kindle which you can download from Amazon across the world. You don't even need a kindle or kindle app to read it - as long as you have an Amazon account you can read it on the website!
I will keep it cheap as possible because I want everyone to get a chance to read it, and I will keep you updated on how it is going.
Exhausted.
Mini-hiatus I guess?
Edit// if I send you a reply containing just one emoticon, it will usually mean "I appreciate this comment but I also have no idea of what to say other sending you good vibes"
= thanks man my but my calves are screaming